Sunday, November 13, 2011

Things I have Learned About Myself

...most of which I don't particularly like, but hey, it's me.  At least I know now, and I can work on them.

-I need approval and praise.
     Okay, maybe I don't NEED them, but I seek them.  I find that when I do something and I don't get recognition, I am much less likely to continue.  Such as my blog....  This is not a cry for readers or comments.  It is simply the truth.  This is why I have not been posting.  Now that I realize this about myself, I will try to post more often.  This is how I am trying to work on this thing about me.  I NEED to write for therapeutic reasons, for me, not for anyone else, and certainly not for approval or support.

-I hate being made to feel as if I am less intelligent than someone or less experienced, green.
     I've been this way since I was small.  Friends would be telling me something new that they learned and I would say, in an adorably exasperated tone (only adorable because I was seven years old), "I KNOW!"  Soon, my friends became exasperated with ME.  "You think you know EVERYTHING!"  Well, no, but at least all the stuff you know....
     I'm still this way, but I've learned to just pretend I don't already know when someone tells me something I do already know.  I suppose telling people things that we've learned makes us feel intelligent, important somehow.  However, there are times when I am not seeking the advice from someone and I am still burdened with the wisdom of others anyway.  This still drives me nuts.  I will handle things in my own way.  If I need advice on how to handle my own grief, something I OWN, I will come to you.  Trust me.

-Fear holds me back.
     Fear of what?  I don't always know.  I am starting to believe it is fear of failure.  I fear failing at everything because if something I do is not perfect in my eyes, I have failed.  If it's not good enough, it's not good AT ALL.  This brings me to my next thing I have learned about myself...

-I am a perfectionist.
     This and the one before directly tie into each other.  I need to start forcing myself to create, write, paint, draw, craft.  These things are all therapeutic for me.  And Lord knows, I NEED therapy.

Thanks for reading, the very few of you.  (I laugh at myself.)


  1. I learned a lot of those things about myself this past year as well. Creativity was definitely therapeutic for me, but it's hard to make myself do it. Even on days that I'm so excited with the thought of painting, I just get lazy and decide I don't have the energy for it.

    Hope things start going better for you.

  2. I recognise a great deal of myself in this beautifully honest post. And I know what you mean, they aren't particularly characteristics that I like in myself but . . . well 'I am what I am' as Popeye would say!

    I think you've been really very hard on yourself in this post. I think that the vast majority of people need approval and praise. We all need to be heard, to be listened to. It's hard to admit to that. I know that's why I write a blog, rather than a private journal. To be heard and to have that murmur of recognition reply to me from the depth of the internetz.

    I also really don't like being made to feel 'green' but, when it comes to grief, I don't think that anyone gets to advise or give you their supposed wisdom. Grief is unique, just like every person who dies is unique and every person who grieves for them is unique. Nobody else can tell you how you should grieve for Holden, you are his mother. Nobody gets to make you feel inexperienced in this.

    Hmm, fear of failure and wanting things to be perfect? Again, I hear you. My mother keeps telling me that 'it doesn't matter if it is perfect, what matter is that it is DONE' so when I write something or draw something or make something, I keep telling myself that. It doesn't have to be amazingly perfect, sometimes it just has to be completed. And that completion kind of has a quiet perfection all of its own? If that makes any sense?

    Anyways, what a long comment! You should probably bar me Nerissa! I'm sure there are rules about writing a comment just about as long as the post you are commenting on xo

  3. When you post, I read. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes, it's not easy being honest. We are here for you if you need us.

  4. Nika, thank you. I do this quite often. I get pumped up. I write notes for a poem I wish to compose. Then I get home from work, eat dinner, clean up, get the kids ready for bed, then facebook it is. I think I spend most of my time scrolling and clicking and mindlessly so....
    Catherine, I will not bar you. Haha. That truly made me laugh. I am so torn up over not having the guts to do the spoken word project. So much so that I have only watched a few because every time I watch one I wish it were me. Instead I am cowardly. I am trying SO hard to be easier on myself. I think that should be another one. I am my own worst critic. I think maybe I don't know how NOT to be hard on myself.
    Remebering Alexander, Thank you. I'd like to say the same to you. I CAN say this however, whenever I finally sign in to blogger (which I do rarely because I only do when I feel like I MIGHT be able to eek out a thought) I check yours.
    Everyone else, I appreciate you ALL.

  5. Hey, Nerissa. I'm so with you on most of these. I remember being told in school that nodding along and saying things like, "oh, right," when I didn't really know what was being talked about was a bad idea, but it's a very hard habit to break. I still do it, pretending to be cool, or wise, or just, well, competent.

    I hate to think of you feeling sad about the spoken word project - I'm grateful for everyone who made one, but I haven't even been able to watch mine, and I think not participating in something like that is a perfectly valid choice. You've got so much on your plate right now and I get the feeling you push yourself quite often, too. It's okay to you know, *not* push yourself once or twice. God, I hope that doesn't sound impossibly busy-bodyish and full of myself.

    Thinking of you and sending love.

  6. Not at all, Erica. Believe me, I have my hands full of busy bodies and none of them has ever said anything so kind. Suggest I take it easier on myself? NO WAY!
    I DO push myself. I am trying not to so much. I think if I say it enough, maybe it will absorb just a touch.