I guess the stage of grief I'm going through the most right now is anger. Although I do throw in some denial and bargaining. But mostly anger. I'm pissed. This is not something that should happen to anyone. But why me? Why the man I love? Why my little girls? And mostly, why my son? My only son, my baby, my Holden? He was such a perfect little boy. Perfectly sweet, and precious, and beautiful.
I read people's blogs, and support group posts. I see how everyone is so supportive and they all come together to hold each other up in their times of sorrow. And I HATE it. I don't belong there. This isn't my life. I should be completely oblivious to their plights, nursing my baby on the couch, unshowered, hair a mess, unfed, and tired as hell. But HAPPY, nursing my baby on the couch. All damned day long! I shouldn't be able to clean the house or have dinner ready when Lee gets home. I should be napping all day while Holden sleeps on my chest. I should be doing mounds and mounds of poopy, pukey laundry. But I'm not. I'm sitting here at the stupid computer writing a blog about how bad losing my baby sucks and reading blogs and posts from other people who've gone through the same thing.
Sometimes I hate these people. Why do they have to exist? If none of them existed, that would mean that stillbirth never happens and we would still have Holden. I hate their posts about god and how he needed an angel, our babies are watching over us from heaven, too beautiful for earth, and how god only takes the best. I hate it. God is cruel. A loving god would never do this to anyone. A loving god would have given him back at the first wail that erupted from my Meadow's throat after I told her that Holden was gone. He would have taken it back as Lennon lay there sobbing quietly as she lay in my arms the day we found out Holden's heartbeat was gone. He's not in a better place now. The best place for my baby is home with his family that loves him. In his mother's arms, on his Daddy's knee, surrounded by brothers and sisters that will play with him and make him laugh, enveloped in love by aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. NOT in a cold grave in the dirt. That's not a better place. And if there is a heaven, it could have waited.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle? Well I don't WANT to handle this! I don't want to and I shouldn't have to. I don't want to figure out the budget and see if we can afford Lee's memorial tattoo for Holden. I don't want to think about how much it's going to cost for gas to get to the cemetery and back. I don't want to buy any sculptures or necklaces or ornaments to remember Holden by. I don't want to update my Facebook status with lyrics that explain how sad I am that I miss him. I don't want to type "stillbirth support" into Google. I don't want to decide whether I should make a scrapbook or just do a photo album with the 9 (NINE!) pictures I have of my baby. I don't want to have to keep reminding my daughters that they do, in fact, have a brother. I don't want to sit on the couch with the love of my life getting drunk 2 weeks after I've given birth and talk about the baby that we couldn't bring home. I don't want to keep explaining to people that I'm on maternity leave because I DID give birth to a baby and will not go back to work earlier than six weeks. I don't want to have to figure out what kind of birth control to use so that I can try to make sure I can get pregnant again.
I don't want to get pregnant again! I want Holden! I want Lee to get "fixed" and for us to be done! I WANT HOLDEN!!!! But I can't have him. He shouldn't live in my heart. He should live in my arms.
This is my life right now.