Friday, May 27, 2011


... as in "give me a"

My daughters school has something every May called "Muffins with Mom."  Of course I had to go.  I wouldn't let my girls feel like Mommy doesn't take an interest in what goes on at their school.  But it was excruciating.  I honestly don't know how I made it through.  I hated seeing the other mom's there.  The little boys at various ages running around being boys.  The little babies in their carriers or being passed around.  And the girls' friends' mom's who won't speak to me.  The ones that do act like nothing even happened.  And when someone asks how you are doing, why is it not acceptable to just say, "You know what?  Horrible.  I am horrible right now because my baby died and I miss him with every fiber of my being.  It sucks.  My life absolutely sucks at the moment.  How are you?"  Meadow told me her teacher wanted to see Holden's picture.  So I walked her to class and showed her teacher the picture of Holden that I have on my cell phone.  It's right after he was born and there's blood on my gown that came out of his nose and he's all bruised up...  It's all I have.  It's not pretty to most people, but he's absolutely beautiful to me.  She took a glance at it and said "oh how precious.  Is he being good for you?"  What?  I said "Didn't Meadow tell you what happened.  He was stillborn, so I guess, yes he's being 'good' for me?"  Whatever the FUCK that means.  As if a six week old baby could be bad?  She got that look of horror that everyone gets when you tell them what happened and said "Oh I didn't realize.  Isn't there, wasn't there, another baby?"  "Yes that would be my sister in law.  She's due in August.  Thanks for reminding me."  Then it was time for kisses and goodbyes and I had to walk clear through the building to the other side to get to my car.

When I got to the car I found I had a text from Lee.  He said that his ex put some kind of post on FB about people getting what's coming to them.  Well she is out of state right now with his 2 and 4 year olds.  We're afraid she might not come back.  I don't know what I will even do if that happens.  I've just been falling in love with those kids over the past 8 months.  If she moves them away, it will be like Lee lost another two children.  He won't get to watch them grow up in front of his eyes, only through pictures.  He won't get to hug and kiss them, only once a year maybe in summers, if he's lucky.  He's already lost so much and if she takes that away from him...  I may snap.  In a very bad way.


  1. Oh Nerissa, this is too much. Way too much for a grieving mama to handle in such a short space of time. I'm in awe of you mamas who had/have surviving children at the time of your loss, because you are forced to go out and participate in a world you want no part of. I could at least stay hidden under the covers and avoid all those shitty interactions. By the time I was ready to emerge again, I had regained a small amount of strength.
    I hope the ex doesn't take the kids away, I really don't.

  2. I think just the fact that we are entertaining the idea that she might should tell you what kind of person she is.

  3. This is more than any person should have to bear. I read through that conversation with the teacher amazed and horrified by what she was saying, wishing I could whisk you away from it. And the vague threats from the ex on top of it all - I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of missing and grieving Holden.

  4. I'm proud of you for facing your fears as well as the other moms at your daughter's school. Aiden was my first child, so I haven't had to force the strength that isn't there the way you had to. There will always be people who ignore your loss because of their own insecurities and the stupid words some use when they don't know what else to say. But it does get easier to ignore them back and laugh at people's idiotic comments. But that doesn't make them suck any less right now. xo