tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post467088365921464654..comments2012-03-25T04:02:23.231-07:00Comments on Grief is Ugly: unfair AKA: Right Where I Am: 6 weeks and one dayMrs. Ghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15859338140200333079noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-67953260173503563342011-07-21T05:40:00.096-07:002011-07-21T05:40:00.096-07:00Stopping by from Angie's project to send some ...Stopping by from Angie's project to send some love your way. You are so very right--it's not fair. I remember saying to anyone who'd listen, 'I know life isn't fair, but it still isn't fair.' I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful Holden.Mary Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12212750107782259674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-40348061610671332722011-06-23T19:12:03.293-07:002011-06-23T19:12:03.293-07:00I agree it is unfair. I don't know else to say...I agree it is unfair. I don't know else to say. At this stage you are just becoming familiar with being a BLM. Your writing has strength, and that strength will see you through until the days are better. ((HUGS)) D.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-68333848533132669232011-06-16T15:53:42.874-07:002011-06-16T15:53:42.874-07:00"Having a child who can never become anything..."Having a child who can never become anything other than a newborn is the worst kind of parenting imaginable." Yes - this is so true. I have a two year old, and I gave birth to my dead daughter 3 months ago at 38 weeks. I can't believe my second can only ever be a baby in our memory. <br />- KariJosh Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07558455153152363458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-25764023181106156152011-06-10T08:48:27.890-07:002011-06-10T08:48:27.890-07:00I still, 2 and some years later, think it's un...I still, 2 and some years later, think it's unfair - and I still have such rage in me that it's like bile in my throat. I don't feel like that always now but it's a part of who I am. I am sorry that you have joined this corner of the blogiverse. I wish Holden was keeping you busy and you reminec blissfully oblivious to our existance.Fireflyforeverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15290560217994184778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-69106786658897026252011-06-03T19:09:03.836-07:002011-06-03T19:09:03.836-07:00Hold onto those beliefs that you did everything yo...Hold onto those beliefs that you did everything you could for your little guy...don't lose that, especially as early on in the grief journey as you are. Make sure you know and believe that you did the best you could. That will help you. (I hope). I'm so sorry for your loss and the hurt you feel. It doesn't make sense and is not fair...I completely agree. Hang in there, hun, and know we are all here for you. ((Hugs))Alissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12882996116989596706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-20482898930933031252011-06-01T16:30:37.226-07:002011-06-01T16:30:37.226-07:00Nerissa, six weeks is so very, very new. All I co...Nerissa, six weeks is so very, very new. All I could think about in the first few months after my son's death was just how unfair it all was. I still think that from time to time but those moments are now fewer and farther between. Now I have just come to the conclusion that nothing in life is fair or unfair, just lucky or unlucky.<br /><br />We are the unlucky ones and also the lucky ones. Both, at the same time. It is how we exist. <br /><br />I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I hope these times are as gentle as they can be for you.briannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03703767053224975771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-26384688800711399012011-05-29T23:15:26.973-07:002011-05-29T23:15:26.973-07:00I find myself uttering the 'its not fair' ...I find myself uttering the 'its not fair' under my breath a lot still, because it plainly isn't; we may have done everything right and there are certainly those who don't and they get their babies to take home?<br />And I too specified that I wanted a healthy, full-term, happy and alive baby to bring home. As TracyOC says, there is no way to outmaneuvre bad luck.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing in Angie's project, I hope you've gained valuable insight as I know I have. Thinking of your Holden with youTesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02470961769758348411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-13681326771662175222011-05-29T05:26:39.628-07:002011-05-29T05:26:39.628-07:00Oh I'm so sorry. It IS so horribly, horribly u...Oh I'm so sorry. It IS so horribly, horribly unfair. Your mom is right. I think there is something about grief, perhaps particularly grieving for the loss of a baby, that seems to call for tantrums and screaming. Because it is just too unfair. I still feel as though I have been robbed. As thought we have all been robbed. And our children too. <br /><br />And I have to say that I remember the 'Beady Eyed Grudge Holder' post too :)<br /><br />I used to irritate myself sometimes, with these tantrums over the unfairness of it all. But I think there is a world of difference between wanting to play Nintendo everyday or going to Chuck E. Cheese (this venue sounds terribly exotic to my British ears) and wanting and expecting your child to live. I don't think it's childish, perhaps it is one of the few situations where an adult 'tantrum' is an entitlement.<br /><br />Whenever I catch myself with even the whisper of a thought of 'never grow up' starting to venture into my mind, I slam that door pretty darn sharpish. Because having a child that never grows up isn't what anybody wants if they stopped to think about it.<br /><br />I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, Holden.Catherine Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01618295389400457254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-77465956933266530082011-05-27T16:06:49.256-07:002011-05-27T16:06:49.256-07:00It's odd to me how you can say "I'm s...It's odd to me how you can say "I'm sorry to meet you" and I love you for it.Mrs. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15859338140200333079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-46886375424744788402011-05-27T14:28:48.299-07:002011-05-27T14:28:48.299-07:00It's terribly, terribly unfair. And at 6 weeks...It's terribly, terribly unfair. And at 6 weeks out... oh Nerissa, the horrible unfairness clings to everything. I'm sorry to meet you. I'm sorry that Holden died. It shouldn't happen, and it IS unfair.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-59397581216274405642011-05-27T13:55:55.189-07:002011-05-27T13:55:55.189-07:00It IS unfair. You have reminded me of the times wh...It IS unfair. You have reminded me of the times when I felt like stamping my feet and howling at the stupid unfairness of it all.<br /><br />xxxBarbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01484695553612265127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-91497954892600753512011-05-27T08:36:43.372-07:002011-05-27T08:36:43.372-07:00Jeanette, I used to say that all the time. Wish I...Jeanette, I used to say that all the time. Wish I could keep them little forever. Now I wish desperately that I didn't have to.Mrs. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15859338140200333079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-65685566411088930542011-05-27T08:09:12.947-07:002011-05-27T08:09:12.947-07:00It is unfair, bloody unfair, and sometimes I want ...It is unfair, bloody unfair, and sometimes I want to stamp my feet and scream at the world.<br />I know what you mean about wanting our children to grow. I cringe now when I hear people say they want to keep their baby's tiny forever. I know they don't mean it, but it still makes me cringe, because our babies will never grow. xJeanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11423818333034603238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-36808858085878703802011-05-27T03:48:46.083-07:002011-05-27T03:48:46.083-07:00I can't agree more. It is unfair! It sucks! It...I can't agree more. It is unfair! It sucks! It shouldn't be happening to any of us.My New Normalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03482513767849843084noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-22547098631954292102011-05-27T02:55:36.965-07:002011-05-27T02:55:36.965-07:00It is very unfair especially what your mother said...It is very unfair especially what your mother said. You did everything right, when there are people who obviously do everything wrong. I wish I had an answer for you. I don't, but I'll remember Holden with you~Missyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17215595176820577303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-89303082509313354842011-05-27T01:27:19.424-07:002011-05-27T01:27:19.424-07:00Heck, yeah, it's unfair! Like most of the fol...Heck, yeah, it's unfair! Like most of the folks commenting here I went through the stage where I tried to stifle the petty and embrace the wisdom and grace that is the expected road of the babylost (from the outside perspective that is). But there's just no way to hold it back without devouring a part of yourself. <br /><br />For the record, I did specify that I wanted a live baby--but that didn't really turn out as expected either. I guess there's no way to outmaneuver bad luck.<br /><br />Thinking of you and sending you peace and strength.TracyOChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16227348728165440844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-61143243406362699842011-05-26T23:43:09.052-07:002011-05-26T23:43:09.052-07:00You're so right, it's not fair. Like you, ...You're so right, it's not fair. Like you, I put my order in for a happy and healthy baby, and never thought to specify that the baby arrived alive. I didn't think in this day and age I had to. I mean, who knew? No one tells you about stuff like this. And generally once you find out, it's too late.<br />I know we shouldn't say things like "it's not fair" or "why me?" but sometimes, I just can't help it, and sometimes, that's what I still wail about it.<br />It isn't fair. Why me? Why you? Why our babies?<br />All I know is, while you work your way through this early weeks, we'll be here for you, to hold you up.<br />xoHope's Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04984543289642681339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-38219422154578441052011-05-26T17:10:40.615-07:002011-05-26T17:10:40.615-07:00Thanks for sharing.
So sorry that you are in a po...Thanks for sharing.<br /><br />So sorry that you are in a position to comment and that you have stupid people around you.<br /><br />Life is not fair. All of this sucks.<br /><br />I am here if you want someone to listen or share.Remembering Alexanderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04757134331358240688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-67539633018049791492011-05-26T15:28:55.071-07:002011-05-26T15:28:55.071-07:00Yes, unfair. Those last lines of your post went st...Yes, unfair. Those last lines of your post went straight to my heart and stuck there, because that's still where I am, even now that my grief is older and less difficult to carry.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing this here.ericahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347057746449071812noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-36038687137813996502011-05-26T15:27:14.293-07:002011-05-26T15:27:14.293-07:00Yes, to both what you said, and to what Angie adde...Yes, to both what you said, and to what Angie added, about being childish and being angry. I have boxes of old dishes in my basement that were given to me with the sole purpose of being there so that I had something to smash when I needed to. Most often, though, I just banged my fists against the tile in the shower while I yelled and sobbed and moaned. <br /><br />Your pain is still so new, so raw, your heart so fragile. Sending much love, and remembering Holden always.<br /><br />sarahsarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-64010341817776589122011-05-26T13:33:09.216-07:002011-05-26T13:33:09.216-07:00I like both what you had to say, and Angie's c...I like both what you had to say, and Angie's comment about it. I think I still give myself (too much) liberty for self pity. I don't know that I externally or socially ever act childish, but in my brain I begrudge people and things done or undone. I still tell my husband it's unfair. Maybe I'm stunted in my grief.<br />You are still so fresh in your journey, and I hope you find many encouragements and supports in this BLM community. I'm thankful you shared and are a part of this project.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09811996974976569965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-61870695296596900812011-05-26T08:04:25.237-07:002011-05-26T08:04:25.237-07:00Your blog really struck me. I had two living child...Your blog really struck me. I had two living children and Nora was to be our last. I was very naive and knew I would have her. It was that simple. I only asked that she be healthy and happy. After I lost her and the ability to have anymore children, I screamed to the universe... I meant healthy and happy here with me... didn't realize I needed disclosures.<br />This is so very unfair. Thank you for sharing your blog, your children, Holden. Thinking and remembering always.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03297337971762403432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-31055762099841449282011-05-26T07:55:07.761-07:002011-05-26T07:55:07.761-07:00I actually bookmarked your Beady Eyed Grudge Holde...I actually bookmarked your Beady Eyed Grudge Holder post... hahaMrs. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15859338140200333079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-775732533523744158.post-5958254214931186652011-05-26T07:50:09.686-07:002011-05-26T07:50:09.686-07:00That is so so unfair. This post reminds me of six ...That is so so unfair. This post reminds me of six week out. Anger really really set in for me then. I just wanted to smash things. <br /><br />I love this line: "I guess the reason this bothers me so much is that, for anyone who knows me, they know I hate it when adults act childish. (Child-like is completely different" <br /><br />I would get really mad at myself for being so petty about who called, and who said what when, and holding grudges. That is not the kind of person I am, or the kind of person I saw myself as. For me that is part of my grief--self-pity, which I only realized recently is really self-compassion run riot. Self-compassion is good. What happened is horrifying and heartbreaking and worthy of compassion. Anyway, that is where I am with that. Trying to find the line between pity and compassion in me. Early grief made that difficult. Anyway, thank you for participating in this. I love the range of experiences in this project. xostill life angiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15150141781089602529noreply@blogger.com